turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
