I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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