i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
