the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
