just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
