fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
