Plan B is the new Plan A
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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