OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
