I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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