you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
handjob tips. give me some.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
