if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
