The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So here I am, sexting at work.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
