My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
