Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You are the jesus of drinking
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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