shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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