guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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