the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
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I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
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I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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