Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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