i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
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I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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