i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I will pee on everything he values.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
