I haven't been this sober since birth.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
