True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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