my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
