I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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