Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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