sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
