from now on my penis is your penis
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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