I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
