It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
