It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he was CRYING into my vagina
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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