My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home