If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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