I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
