It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
