i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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