I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
