please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
