All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
