Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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