I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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