Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
