I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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