She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
