My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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