I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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