I'm drive I can fine osifer
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
