OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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