Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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