Sorry, I don't speak sober.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.