My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."