So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
