We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
They took my balls.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
