Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
