I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
