New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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