Dual....:-)
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
