Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
