Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
