either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
