Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
