his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
