Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
